My kid tried to strangle someone else's kid.
I know that that isn't how I should say that. I know that no mom should ever say that about her child. I know that that sentence is incredibly difficult to read and I can promise you that it isn't nearly as difficult as it is to type.
But it was all that I kept thinking. My kid tried to strangle someone else's kid.
I know that he didn't mean it that way. I know that it was an overwhelming environment for him. I know that in total and complete honesty, to Eli, this was just a kiddo the same height as him and he wanted him to stay still so that he could have contact with him. I know - more likely than anything else - Eli was just trying to play with him. To physically keep him where he was. He wanted and needed contact with him, at eye-level, because he wanted to play. I know he was trying to positively communicate.
I know that that was exactly what he was trying to do.
I know that.
But my baby put his hands around another child's neck - another momma's baby - and I saw fear in that child's face.
I pulled him away right away, wrapped him in his weighted blanket, and squeezed him so tight to myself. I went into a quiet room, sat with him, and just squeezed. I held him tight, rocked him, cried and cried, and didn't let go until he fell asleep.
And then I sat beside him and just watched his quiet, soft breathing.
I know he didn't mean to hurt him. I know there was no malice or anger or intent to harm. I - one-hundred-percent - know that.
But to the world - and to me - my kiddo put his hands on another child.
He put. his hands. on another. child.
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We have always talked about how Eli doesn't seem to feel pain. He rarely - rarely - reacts to the things that should hurt. We know now that it is because his brain doesn't process that sensation the same way. Pressure feels good to him - pain, in turn, feels good to him. It's why squeezing him super tight helps him to calm down. Why a weighted blanket allows him to sleep a little longer. Why banging his head didn't seem to hurt him. Why he spins and spins and spins, falls down hard and gets up and spins again.
It's why he bites. It's why he hits. It's why he puts his hands on another child and squeezes hard.
Asking for a kiss sometimes stops the biting. Putting a hand out for a high-five stops him from hitting. Asking for a hug redirects those hands away from the neck.
He is trying to make contact - contact that feels good to him - and he just doesn't always know how.
Watching Eli nearly harm that child - seeing fear on that kiddo's face with the smile on my little giant's at the same time ... I don't have the words for how hard that was for me.
I know this will get better. I know why he did what he did. I know that this child - my child - is a precious, loving, gentle child. I know all of those things. I know them.
I just want the rest of the world to know too.
