Innocence

Eli was extra cuddly today. It could have been because he hasn't slept well the last two nights but I think it is because he senses that something is not right. That something has me saddened and confused and ... I don't even know. When he catches me looking at him sometimes he walks over and just touches my face. He senses ... he can interpret emotions, faces, expressions ... he can respond appropriately. 

He can and he does. 

When the idea of autism first came up, I didn't sit down at my macbook and start googling. I didn't sit down and read all of the worst case scenarios and possibilities. Nothing in that is helpful to me. 

When the diagnosis came, I didn't sit down to google - not even then. I told myself I would wait for the report, so I knew exactly what I needed to look for. Exactly what led to the words. 

I know that "high-functioning" was said at some point. I know that we talked about eventually cognitive tests. I know she said he seems "highly intelligent". I know that in the initial paperwork "aspergers syndrome" was not checked and that "autistic disorder" was. 

I know that she explained that he can be so loving and affectionate to me and playful and cuddly and respond to my emotions and still be on the spectrum. I know that she explained that he can be smart and witty and quick and very much be on the spectrum. 

I know that she explained it all. I know that she showed me, section by section. 

I know the only thing that I have really looked at is the 100-day kit on AutismSpeaks that talks about the diagnosis and the stages of grief. I know that it is normal to question if this is real - if a mistake was made. I know that it is normal to think "no, not my child" but, goodness, he sees that I am sad and puts his hands against my cheeks! He cuddles in my arms and looks at me and holds tight. He asks me, "Mommy, you 'kay?"

But he asks me that all of the time - the same phrase - all of the time. Whether I look sad or not. Same phrase - all of the time. I know she talked about that.

I want to talk to a mother who has a baby that is just like mine. Who in so many ways "doesn't fit" everything that comes to mind when you hear the word. I want to speak to someone who has been here, right here, begging to know which is the answer. 

I want to know if the little things really do add up to this major change. The little voice in the back of my mind is saying they do. The little voice is bringing back the moment in that evaluation when I realized that Eli didn't look at the psychologist until half way into it. That he could act like he absolutely did not hear her when she was talking right into his ear. How he wouldn't pick up the block and pretend it was a phone. How confused he looked when she tried to guide him to. Part of me is remembering today, when he put his little face flat into the snow so that Thomas was just in his face and how he would cover him again and again with the snow,  and then with the towel, and then kleenex, the fruit loops, whatever. Always covering Thomas. He didn't even seem bothered with how cold the ice was against his face. Every time I pulled his little body up, he would lay his face right back down. His cheek was so red. The little voice brings up how he puts so many toys in his mouth now - how he licks things - when he never did that during the stage that he should. The little voice brings up how much I have noticed how he flaps his hands towards his face when he gets excited - something I just didn't see before - I never saw it before that eval. 

But he looks at me and says again and again, "Mommy, you 'kay?" Again and again. He doesn't even know. He has no idea what any of this is - what any of it means. 

Such an innocence. Such a genuine goodness. 

How can any of it be true?