Giving Up His Days

After a very difficult and frustrating battle with Tricare, Eli is finally approved for and enrolled in ABA Therapy (Applied Behavior Analysis). When that all finally fell into place I was so relieved I felt myself physically relax. 

And it didn't exactly "fall into place" - I had to make phone call after phone call, bust down (okay - not exactly) a few doors, and let other people know I wouldn't let them fail my child. But we got there and he starts on Monday. 

I received the schedule and instructions today. At 8:30 in the morning on Monday I will drop my kiddo off with his lunch, a bag with a change of clothes and diapers, and not see him again until I pick him up at 4:30 that afternoon. 

It's harsh. 

The coordinator even recognized that. She explained that this allows him to immediately recognize routine without us interrupting the very important routine of the little (and not so little) ones already there. It is important for him to focus and have this defined space and time. After two full weeks of therapy, if they think he's ready, I can observe. Logically, I get it. I see why that is how it needs to be. 

This center is 45 minutes from our home - each way. If something happens, I can't get there immediately. If he isn't okay, I won't be there to know. How do you hand your little giant off to people who don't know him? Who don't know him the way you do? 

And what scares me even more ... how do you recognize that for right now - right now - someone else is going to learn how to communicate with your son? Someone else is going to cheer when he says, "Do you hear that?? It's a Train!" like he did this week. Someone else is going to make right where I haven't been able to. Someone else is going to see a meltdown and they are going to be able to figure out how to handle it. They are going to connect and understand my own child in a way that I can't yet. 

I have to drop him off and trust them with that - trust them with my littlest little. What if he is scared? What if he needs me? What if he screams and cries and kicks? How do I give someone else his Mondays? And his Thursdays? And his Fridays? 

He's my baby-baby. My last baby. I want those days. 

How do you accept that you can't understand things about your kiddo that a stranger will learn to before you do? 

I know this is the right thing to try. I know this is a good place for him. I know that intense, early intervention gives him the best chance at "recovery" and adaptability and "normal" life. I know that. I do. I know why we are doing this. I know why we fought for this. 

I know that I want to understand my son. I want to know why he does so many of the things he does. I know I want this for him - that as his momma I owe the very best we can give him. 

I won't be there and that is hard. I have to trust strangers to cheer for him and hug on him and give him what he needs, and in a few weeks to begin to teach me. I want to know my son - to know every possible technique and therapy and behavior possible to unlock his potential. I owe him his future - a bright, promising, glowing future - even if it means I have to give them these days.